Let’s talk about SEX, baby...
Let’s talk about YOU and ME... Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be… (here's the YouTube link so you can get your fix of the whole song).
Only 9% of couples who can’t comfortably talk about sex with one another say that they’re satisfied sexually. This is no surprise. Sex is the most intimate thing we can do together, but somehow TALKING about it feels even more vulnerable than the act itself.
And what about those who have now added trying to conceive to the mix of their already stressful lives? They think they have healthy sex communication down pat (I mean, baby-making is consuming almost every single thought and conversation), but the focus is less on romance and more on schedules, timing, and “what-if” scenarios.
Who wants to spend time talking about how to make sex pleasurable when you’re being ordered to “DO IT!” like a job? Fertility struggles can suck all of the fun out of being intimate with your partner when it’s just another box to check on your to-do list. The 66.7% of couples who say infertility treatment spoiled their sex lives would agree.
But, I’m willing to bet you miss the connection sex ignited when you weren’t doing the deed out of obligation to procreate. I’m willing to bet you and your partner would both like sex to be special so you feel special again. I’m willing to bet… some conversation starters would help you get there!
So, let’s start here, with 7 questions to ask your partner to get the sex talk going:
1. Do you know your love language?
You can use this “softball” question to get loosened up (take the quiz here if you don’t know yours). Once you are both clear on your love languages, discuss what your partner already does that makes you feel loved! Then ask: What else could I do to make you feel loved that I might not realize?
2. What can I do to make you feel good about yourself?
Share what you love about yourself, what you’re proud of, and the little things you do out of love that would mean the world for your partner to notice. Talk about physical features, too! Discuss what you’re most attracted to in each other. You may be surprised what your sweetheart notices about you.
3. What turns you on?
Hopefully, you’re feeling light and connected - so get right to into it! Be honest and unashamed.
4. What kinds of touch do you not feel comfortable with?
Because talking about sex is awkward and hurt feelings make that even worse, we’re often not vocal about the things that don’t do it for us. Promise to set your egos aside and share in the name of working together to have a wonderful sex life.
5. What has been your favorite moment from our sex life?
Reminisce, recall the fun from the beginning and the intimacy as your relationship deepened. Discuss if there’s anything you used to do that you miss.
6. Our capacity to have sex will ebb and flow throughout our relationship. What else can we do to feel intimate when we’re going through a phase of less free time or more stress?
You won’t always have as much sex as you’d like. You’ll go through phases where your sex drives don’t match. Talk NOW about what you can do for one another in those times.
7. What’s something you’ve always fantasized about doing, but never tried?
Nothing is off-limits! Fantasize and daydream together. Who knows… something fun may lie in your future. If nothing else, your answers will inspire you to add new things to your repertoire!
As hard as it can be to talk about it, I believe the best sex happens when you work to cultivate intimate trust and deep friendship. Start the conversation to increase your emotional connection and the quality of your sex life.
If you’re still feeling stuck, book a 1 on 1 Fertility Support session and we can work together on a plan to invite sex communication into your unique relationship.